As we begin the Holiday season, traditionally full of thanks and happiness and love, I am reminded of a time when I thought I would never truly feel happy again, and I am so thankful to have left that behind. I struggled mightily with postpartum depression after the birth of my oldest son. I have tried as hard as I could to put my feelings and experiences during that time into words, and below is something I wrote some time ago that does the best job:
"I have seen rock bottom. I did not really crash -- it would be more accurate to say that I brushed it, and turned back up again.
I have been in that place where the light is so far away that it seems only a dream, the creation of an overwrought imagination; and felt that pain that hurts so deep inside it seems no one can ever reach it, like you'll never be warm all the way through again.
I have logically counted my blessings, and seen that if happiness were like a scale, with trials and tribulations balanced against blessings, I should never have a reason to cry. And cried anyway, for no reason at all.
And then one day, as I stared eternity in the face, as I sat nose to nose with rock bottom, for some reason known only to God, and through His grace, I was able to turn around and claw my way into the walking world, into laughter and sunshine and friendship and the innocent love of my children. I was able to smile.
But sometimes, some days, for no apparent reason, I can sense that rock bottom is not as far away as I think it is. I must watch my steps, and guard my heart, and pray. Because the abyss is deep, and I do not know if I am strong enough to climb out again."
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2 comments:
I'm not used to blogging yet. I think I sent you an email instead of adding a comment. However Dida I think you are an awesome writer. I find that piece to be in particular to be very powerful because I remember that time. I didn't know it from your point of view of course but as an outsider, a friend. Maybe I'll start to blog!! :)
What a great thing to write your feelings. I think a lot of moms out there would gain a lot by hearing your story and daily struggles. You are an awsome mom and I always knew you would be. Those kids are so lucky to have you. You remind me so much of your mom who is always giving and the one thing that always is evident is both of your love for others. Even those who aren't your children.
Great wtiting and I am glad you are doing this.
Love you and miss you
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