Changes

You know, tonight for some reason, I keep thinking about how much my life has changed since my oldest son was born. J-Rooni is six, and he just seems so big to me right now. I don't know why, but for some reason, the changes in my life have just struck me very much. For example, I took the two older boys to Bible Study tonight. My husband gets migraines, and he had a bad one tonight. So, the baby, J-Bo, stayed at home with him, and I took the older two with me. Why, might you ask, did this trigger soul searching and introspection? Perhaps, you might say, it was a message from my gifted pastor, or something one of my brothers or sisters in Christ may have said while we were fellowshiping (Christianese for talking) after the study. Or perhaps even the lesson my children learned while they were there that struck me just so.

Nope. Not even close. Tonight, it was the water that the four year old, B-Boo, dumped on me that made me think. He did not want to leave when we were done, because he wanted a turn to play the drums on the stage. It's a church with a contemporary service, and we have a wonderful praise band. The guy who runs the soundboard lets the children come up on the stage after church and, with his direct supervision, play the drums and learn about the musical instruments. I have not yet let B-Boo experience this - or rather, I have not yet forced the church to endure him on a set of drums. He's loud enough with the instruments God gave him; I've not seen any reason to gift him with "musical" instruments. He got very upset at me, not only for not letting him play, but for causing him to spill his water when I held his arm and made him walk back down the steps with me. He actually threw the cup at me, with the little water that was in it. Now, I will grant him some leeway because it was an hour past his bedtime, he was very hungry, and he had already had a rough day. But even given that, there is no excuse for what he did. So, I held his arm, made him walk to the row of chairs, sat him down, and got J-Rooni ready to roll. I gathered all of their stuff, my Bible, notebook and cell phone, and we climbed up in the car.

What do you mean, you're still not seeing it? You don't see the reason for my introspection yet?
As I got in the car and prepared to go through the Burger King drive thru, it struck me that I had just handled a scene. I had been by myself with both bigger boys, and there was a lot going on, and I took control and did what I needed to do and handled it. If you had been inside my head during those awful days after J-Rooni was born, when it didn't seem like I would ever be in control of even myself; or part of my family during those first months when J-Bo came to live with us and things were so crazy, I wondered if I was destroying my family by trying to save him, you would see it. You would see how far I have come.

I'm not saying that I am completely all together, or the best mom ever, or any other ridiculous blather. But I'm saying I'm okay. I'm making it, I've got it as together as it's ever going to get around here, and I'm raising great kids.

And that, especially that, makes it all worth it.